In Soul

betrayed

At first we were easy together.  Uncomplicated.  We just seemed to flow.  You know how it is when you work in synchronicity and everything feels effortless?

Secretly, I think some envied us.  They saw young, attractive, energetic, all the things they were aspiring for but never quite attained.  I thought it would last forever.  We were going to glide though life tackling the word.

I was wrong.

It was subtle at first.  Things the outside world wouldn’t even notice.  Things I really didn’t even see.  Or tried not to.  At first I ignored the signs, discounted them as figments of my imagination. 

But they continued.

Slowly life as I knew it unraveled.  How could this happen?  Why would she do this to me?  I  thought we were happy, living in perfect harmony together?  I treated her so well…at least I thought I did.  It finally got to the point where I could no longer ignore what was happening right before my eyes. No matter how hard I tried to look beyond the obvious, the signs were everywhere.

I was being betrayed by my body.

One minute I was running marathons before breakfast, the next I lay dormant in bed, watching my life pass by. 

The body I once knew as full of life was now just a place card in time. This motionless pile of flesh became the object of my contempt.  I hated it, cursed it, wished it dead.

Then I heard a small, childlike sound from deep within.

As I pressed my inner ear closer, I could hear crying, deep and primal, screaming out.  As the noise grew I became frightened.  I didn’t want to confront the pain from my childhood.  I preferred to bury the past.

But my body would have none of that.

She was tired…no… exhausted.  The pace, the drama, the secrets, they are all too much.  She couldn’t keep the act up any more.  She needed rest.

As much as I wanted to turn my back, her pain could no longer be ignored. 

My contempt became concern, then understanding, then love.  I realized that this horrible autoimmune disease had cracked the hard shell that had been holding all the fear and anger, pushed down so long ago.  Darkness gave way to light and compassion.  We became friends again, on a level I never knew we were capable of.

She was not my enemy.  She was just a frightened little girl screaming for help. 

As we grew closer, we got stronger.  Slowly, we crawled out of bed.  Then we walked.  Now we run.  We love the sun on our face, the sound of the waves crashing on the shore, and laughter.  [bctt tweet=”How we love to laugh.”]

But most importantly, we love each other.  And with gratitude and compassion, we can finally travel together in peace. My betrayer is now my best friend.

***All relationships require some work, it doesn’t matter if it is a spouse, friend, or yourself.  How is your relationship with your body?  Need some help smoothing out the rough spots?  In my book Wellness Warrior – Fighting for Life in Fabulous Shoes, there are tons of easy tips to ease into a better union with the only person that will be with for your entire life…you.  Aren’t you worth a little effort?

Want more of my of the inside of my brain?  Don’t be scared, just like my Facebook page.

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Showing 6 comments
  • Monica Bruno

    Hi Lisa, you write beautifully. This is a very raw and touching post. Thanks for sharing.

  • Kate

    I love this post! <3

    • Lisa Douthit

      I’m so glad! If you would like to sign up for my newsletters at lisadouthit.com there are lots more where this came from.

  • Susan

    Hey Lisa,
    I am proud of you. You have always been one of the funniest, quirkiest ladies ever. I I loved being around you. We moved away and I didn’t know about your struggles. I think it is wonderful of you to reach out and help others with your experience. I remember your beautiful children and I hope they are doing great. You may not remember this but you drove me to get help when I had a kidney stone. You are one of my heroes. I wish you lots of love and many wondrous days ahead…..

    • Lisa Douthit

      Hi! Thanks so much for your kind words. I miss you guys and hope all is well with you and the family. If you got the book, I hope you liked it. So good to hear from you. Let’s keep in touch!

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