(Hint: It Isn’t ‘I Love You’)
A friend of mine called me the other day. She was upset about a fight she had with her boyfriend. Our conversations went like this:
Her: “He just doesn’t listen to me.”
Me: “Listen to you about what?”
Her: “Anything! I start talking and he grabs his phone to check email for work during our conversations all the time. He says that he is listening but it sure doesn’t feel like it.”
Me: “So what did you do?”
Her: “I sent him an email to tell him it’s over.”
Life can be very distracting. With today’s technology, we have access to an internet connection at all times. Unfortunately, this makes it a little too easy to be in a state of constant multitask mode and sometimes you need to reboot your relationship too.
Because there is a cost of all this interaction.
The more connected you are to the planet, and all that is happening around you, the less connected you become to the ones that matter most.
The more connected you are to the planet, and all that is happening around you, the less connected you become to the ones that matter most.Click To TweetThink about it. When your relationship first started you couldn’t wait to talk to that special person in your life. Now, conversations are centered around who wants what for dinner while going through the mail.
At some point in high school, we were taught the tools for good communication when we gave speeches to our class during debates. We learned how to make eye contact, listen attentively, speak directly, and reframe what the other person said to make sure we understood the context correctly.
Then we graduated, got into a relationships, and forgot everything we had ever learned about how to speak to each other.
The information age is filling our lives with an overwhelming volume of words and pictures, but it is denying us the one thing we all long for – real connection.
If you are to have a lasting, healthy relationship, It’s time to return to the fundamentals of communication.
There is a time and place for news, email and social media, but do you really want 745 FaceBook friends standing between you and your significant other?
Getting back to basics isn’t hard at all. Once you get the hang of this simple communication skill, it can create all sorts of positive outcomes like a stronger connection, better sex, trust, and a feeling of belonging. It can also help improve your work life as well.
The important thing to remember is to be authentic in any communication you have with others, especially your partner. They will feel if you are faking it.
First, when looking improve your relationship, put anything that is distracting you down. Next, make, and keep, eye contact with your sweetie when they are talking. When they are done, say these three words, “Tell me more.”
Once they are done downloading all the information they have been holding on to all day, ask again. When they are done with that round, ask again until they are done. Don’t worry about fixing any problems, that’s not the point. What’s important is to get all of those words out so they are no longer bottled up inside.
You see people, women especially, just want to be heard. Women also have more to say than men. One study shows that because of a specific protein in the female brain, women are more verbal and can speak about 20,000 words per day. The typical man only says approximately 13,000 words.
It won’t take as long as you think for her to get it all out, I promise you, especially if you are consistently checking in at least once a day. The result will be someone that feels deeply connected to you in a very loving way.
When people are heard they will feel more valued. When they, especially women, feel valued, they feel safe in a relationship and are more willing to go deeper. As a result, there is more respect given to the giver of the attention which will also benefit the relationship in a positive way.
Try these simple words are your honey today and see if your relationship gets the reboot too. Or, tell you man to give it a go (and tell him how good you feel after and what a great job he did when you are done). Remember, you don’t have to fix anything – you simply have to listen and stay engaged for a couple minutes to create a strong connection that will last forever.
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